Claire on her 3rd Birthday
Amber and Claire in California on our "girls" birthday trip.
Cami and Lily on Halloween
Lily on her first Halloween
November is National Adoption Month. It is an extra special month in our family because Lily's birthday is in November and she was placed in our family on National Adoption Day. I think about adoption all the time; but even more during the months of Claire and Lily's birthdays. I think of their birth moms, their birth families, their adoption stories. I remember the anticipation, nervousness, and hopefulness we felt before they were born. The love, sadness, happiness, and hopefulness we felt during their placements. The memories of May 2006 and November 2008 are so very near and dear to my heart. They were filled with the most miraculous and emotional moments.
When I tuck the older kids in and give them "lay by's" (where you lay in bed next to your kids and talk before they drift off into dreamland), they often ask me for stories of when I was young. They enjoy hearing of my childhood and they especially love little details. So with that in mind I want to share a couple of little but very memorable details about the days before Claire and Lily became part of our family. After all, life's most precious moments tend to be lived in little details that you can miss if you aren't paying attention.
These are silly, little details about me and what I was doing on the days before we brought Claire home. Trevor and I drove down to San Diego when we got the news that Claire had been born. We were both super nervous, had no idea what to expect with adoption. We listened to The Fray album "How to Save a Life" on our drive. We spent hours talking about what life would be like with a new baby in the house. We got pulled over by a police officer (who was nice enough to give Trevor a warning), the officer asked if we were going to California for a vacation, Trevor replied that we were going to adopt a baby. The officer shared that he was adopted as an infant and gave the advice that "all you need is to love that baby". He made it sound so simple, yet everything about adoption seemed emotionally charged and challenging.
We got to California. Amber was having a rough recovery from her c-section. We weren't sure when or where we would first meet Claire. So every day I made Trevor take me to Trader Joe's and buy fresh Gerber daisies and I put them in this little green vase that I wanted to take to Amber. I was crazy about this and the flowers had to be just perfect (sometimes I bought them twice a day). I also bought pistachio dark chocolate covered toffee at Trader Joe's each day. It was the only thing I could eat on the days before placement. I can't quite explain the amount of nervous excitement that we felt. You would think that we would spend the few days to ourselves hanging out at the beautiful beach or shopping in San Diego. Nope, we mostly talked and stressed over every possible scenario. We did go to one movie to pass the time... Mission Impossible 3. That movie always reminds me of Claire.
We found out when placement would be and Trevor and I took a picture of ourselves before we left to pick up Claire. We also took an after picture on the same couch in our hotel with Claire in our arms. We left super early to find the agency where we were supposed to meet, then we drove around and talked until it was time. We still hadn't seen Claire at all, not even a picture. It was really quite exciting and overwhelming. We signed all of our paperwork and then went into the room where Amber, Terri and Claire were waiting. Claire was tiny and so sweet. We hugged Amber while she held Claire in her arms, we cried. I remember so very clearly that Amber got up and handed her to Trevor first. . It was the first time Trevor had ever gotten to hold one of our babies before me. It was significant (to this day Claire is a bit of a daddy's girl). I opened up her blanket and watched her little newborn squirms and movements. She was beautiful and perfect and so very precious. We hugged said our goodbyes to Amber and her mom (so hard, I cried my eyes out and felt sick to my stomach). Then we put Claire in her car seat and buckled her in the car. The song "How to Save a Life" by Fray played as we drove back to the hotel. It always reminds me of Claire and her coming into our family. Honestly from my perspective the next few days were very hard. I thought almost exclusively about Amber every second. I thought about how she was feeling, how her milk would be coming in without a baby to feed, I thought about the two times I brought a baby home from the hospital and tried to imagine the grief and difficulty to go home without your baby after carrying them with you for 9 months. I took pictures, emailed Amber, waited for a reply to see how she was doing. Trevor took care of Claire for the most part, I was a bit of a mess. I was really surprised at how hard those first few days were for me. Once again, instead of going to the beach or visiting any sites in San Diego, we mostly waited in our room for the OK to leave the state and go home. I kept asking Trevor how he could be so happy. He kept telling me what the adoption caseworkers had said... things like "you are part of the solution, not the problem" or "this is the birth mother's choice to choose adoption and you to be this baby's parents" or "you aren't taking this baby away from their mother". But to me those thoughts seemed like idealistic words not reality. I was this way until the moment we got home and Brennan and Bella saw Claire for the first time. It all clicked for me. As I watched Brennan and Bella hold and kiss on Claire with tears in their eyes, I realized that Amber's choosing our family for Claire to grow up in was divine. Claire would have such a rich life with parents and siblings who were ready and waiting for her. Claire is our miracle baby.
Little Miss Lily:
We knew we wanted to adopt again and hoped that it wouldn't take too long because we wanted Claire to have a sibling close in age. In the summer of 2008, Trevor started to say that he felt strongly that we would have another baby before Christmas and that it would be a girl. He tends to be right about his "gut" feelings, so I started to get ready for another girl. You would think that with two girls already that I wouldn't need anything new, not true (for me at least). I started picking up things here or there; blankets, warm newborn clothes (the other girls were born in May). When Trevor and I went on our trip to San Francisco for our 10th anniversary, I went into the Shabby Chic boutique and fell in love with a floral baby blanket. I wanted it badly. I was shopping while Trevor was visiting doctors at the dental school, so when I met up with him, I told him all about the perfect blanket that I found. He suggested we wait until we "matched" with a birth mom first and then actually knew for sure what sex the baby would be. I looked at Trevor and gave him the "look" and then I said, "OK, if you really think so." We were walking away and I was quiet and Trevor said, "Let's go buy the blanket." We bought it and I bought a boy's blanket just in case. But the thing you have to remember is this: it isn't about a blanket...it is really about the hope and belief that the blanket represents. That one day we would have a new baby to wrap up in it. The hard thing with adoption for adoptive parents is the uncertainty of it all. The lack of control over when, where, how, or if you will have a new baby. It takes courage, trust and faith for adoptive parents too. It is not for the weak of heart. On that same San Francisco trip, I visited my favorite children's toy store and found the most darling vintage prints of children. We bought them and planned to put them in the nursery that we were getting ready.
So, while waiting for Lily, we painted a nursery, hung prints and put the crib up etc. We didn't even buy a crib until we had Claire home with us. It seemed too scary and hard to have a crib up and waiting and not knowing when a baby would come into our home. I suppose Claire's adoption taught us to believe that if something is right and meant to be then it will happen. So this time around, we got ready and the kids totally got ready and super excited. I would still get nervous sometimes, especially since Claire would constantly talk about "her baby sister" before she even got here. I remember emailing Cami back and forth. Feeling very comfortable discussing open adoption and our family. The kids even asked questions and would ask to hear about the emails that Cami sent. We went to build-a-bear as a family and made matching pink bears for Cami and Lily. We made voice recordings for each of them and with Lily's we were supposed to say "We love you baby." Claire said, "We love you baby Lily." She pretty much named her baby sister.
Now the months before Lily was born were exciting and fun, but at the same time I had hurt my foot really badly and was worried about having a new baby while still recovering. Trevor was confident that we could handle it all. He even promised to get up at night with the baby (and he did, every single night).
I remember Cami texting us before she headed to the hospital to be induced. She was nervous, I was nervous for her. I tried to sleep that night and I tried to stay busy the next day as I worried and wondered how they were doing. The kids kept asking if the baby had been born yet. They went to bed and Trevor and I sat down to watch a TV show (Alias) to try and pass the time. My cell phone rang and it was Cami's number. I expected it to be her sister, but it was Cami. She had just delivered Lily and was calling to tell us. She was so sweet on the phone and as she told me how they were doing and how big Lily was, we could hear Lily cry in the background. She also texted us a photo and said that we could come visit the next day. It was hard to sleep that night and first thing the next morning we showed all the kids the picture text. They were so excited. We all got to visit her in the hospital and the kids were beyond excited. Cami had hand made shirts for all of them saying Big Brother or Big Sister and Lily had a little sister onesie. Cami was so sweet to the kids and kindly let them all have a turn holding Lily. I took lots of pictures.
I was able to be at the hospital again when Cami was going to be discharged. I held Lily a lot and got to visit with Cami and her sisters. I loved seeing her sisters and how protective and good they were to Cami. I helped buckle Lily into her baby seat and we all walked out of the hospital together. Cami was taking Lily home with her, to have some time together. I walked to my car and Cami's dad called my name and came over to talk to me. He was concerned that I might be nervous Cami would change her mind or something and he wanted to reassure me that everything would work out. It was really nice of him to think of our feelings and strangely I felt really calm and peaceful about everything. I didn't really stress or worry about that part. I was nervous for placement (it is always emotional and hard). Yet somehow I knew that we would be bringing Lily home and that Cami would heal. I had a feeling that we would be in close contact; that we would hear from her by email and we would have chances to visit with her.
The day of Lily's placement we were able to go have photos done with Cami and Lily. There were two other birth moms, their adoptive couples and the baby's they had recently placed having photos done as well. Cami texted me that morning asking what I was going to wear. I think that says a lot about how we are. Very comfortable and open with each other. I texted her back and also said that I would bring a preemie outfit for Lily if she wanted to dress her in it (Lily was so little, the darling dress Cami had picked out for her was huge on her). Cami said to bring the outfit and we could dress her in it. After the photo shoot, Cami said that she would let us know when we would meet for placement. So, Trevor and I went to buy some preemie pajamas and clothes for Lily. We had lunch at the same California Pizza Kitchen that we had met Cami for the first time. Trevor and I sat outside and talked about life, another baby, Cami, Amber, adoption, our kids at home.
It was time for placement and Trevor and I quietly drove to the agency. We sat in the room with Cami as she signed papers. She held Lily and gave her kisses as she signed them. We sat and watched her while tears ran down our faces. Lily needed her diaper changed so Cami and I went to the bathroom to change her. We talked a little. We hugged. It was time to go and we all walked outside. We took some pictures, gave Cami a necklace that we had bought for her and for Lily. Cami walked us to the car and buckled Lily in her car seat. She hugged and kissed her and then hugged us. Trevor and I got in the car and watched as Cami got in the car and her two sisters sat on each side of her. I was so grateful that she had her dad and sisters supporting her. We drove home and all the kids were in their big brother and big sister shirts waiting on the couch to hold and see Lily. They all took turns holding and kissing Lily. They studied her little fingers and toes. They asked about Cami. Brennan and Bella were old enough to understand more and they were sad and worried for Cami. I told them that we would be taking lots of pictures and emailing them right away. I told them to pray for Cami to heal quickly and to be happy.
We have four beautiful, incredible children in our family. They each have their own unique personalities, stories, and memorable moments when they entered the world and our family. I am grateful for each one, for the miracles that they are in our lives. Adoption made our family what it is. I can't imagine things any differently. I believe that our open adoptions are a blessing. Our girls will know they are loved, they can have their questions answered, and they will have a deep understanding of who they are, where they came from, and why they are here. To me, adoption is all about love, understanding, empathy, courage, selflessness, honestly, hope, and miracles.
