real

I love beautiful things, pretty things. I get this from my mom. Growing up she always did things a certain way. She had vases of fresh flowers, homemade bread, a beautiful table setting, pretty clothes, lots of perfume, fancy shoes and jewelry.

I had a happy childhood. I hope to give that to our children as well. It wasn't that everything was always perfect (even if it seemed so to those looking on), but we always did our best and I think my brothers and I all have a certain side of "perfectionism" in our personalities. It wasn't until I had my first baby Brennan that I realized how amazing my parents were. I discovered that my parents weren't only parents they were actually people with lives and feelings and challenges that didn't revolve solely around us children. Yet they managed to make us all feel loved for who we were. My brothers and I were never compared to one another, nor were we treated all the "same". I hated this at the time, and I always felt it was unfair. Now that I have 4 children with very different personalities and challenges I see the wisdom in that kind of parenting. The reality of life is that everyone is different and it is hard to judge or view other people's lives without walking a mile in their shoes...and yet we all do it to some extent.

The truth is that real life can be pretty, colorful and happy and at the same time hard, painful and full of heartache. The real test is in our endurance. My Grandmother McMurray always told me her thoughts on life. My favorites were the following:

*if everyone hung their problems out on a clothes line and you could pick any set you wanted, you would pick your own.

*you should always look your best, smile, be grateful...even when things are hard, it doesn't help to wallow

I love our newest family pictures, especially these two. They are beautiful and they are real. And at the same time there is so much behind the scenes that makes us who we are. Things other people don't always know or see. In the picture of Brennan and Lily, Lily has a fever and woke up from nap feeling awful. Just days after the picture was taken, Brennan came down with a fever and no other symptoms until one morning that he woke up and couldn't stand or walk. I heard him sobbing in the hall scooting on his hands. I had to have my dad carry him into the doctor. They put him in a wheelchair. He didn't walk for two days. Every possible worst case scenario starts going through your head and somehow I stayed calm and kept on a brave face for Brennan at the very least. He had blood drawn and after those results more blood drawn to check for kidney function. He started walking again and we still don't know exactly what caused it. Most likely a virus that caused some of his leg muscles to breakdown. He seems totally fine now and he is having more blood work done to make sure his levels are back to normal.

As I tucked Brennan in the other night, I told him how much I love him and how relived I am that he is walking and healthy. (I remember watching him talk to the doctor with a pale, frightened face as he sat in the wheelchair and the pain I felt simply watching him.) I told Brennan that when you have children and become a parent, your heart changes. It grows really big and you love in ways you never knew were possible. And as your children grow it is as if they carry pieces of your heart around with them. As a mom, your heart hurts when your kids are sick or sad or struggling. Life is never quite the same again; you love more and you hurt more.

Shortly after Brennan was better, I went out to the bookstore for a break. I bought two children's books. Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good Very Bad Day and the original version of The Velveteen Rabbit. I have read the Velveteen Rabbit several times and my favorite part is when the Skin Horse talks about becoming REAL. Here is the excerpt...

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day... "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

~The VELVETEEN RABBIT

And in conclusion, Claire, our very vibrant, clever, and outgoing child, once asked me what the owies on my tummy were from. I told her they were stretch marks from having a baby. She thought they were cool. And every so often she asks out of the blue to see my "baby marks". It always makes me laugh and it reminds me of what the Skin Horse said to the Rabbit about being Real and what really matters. Children see life through different eyes and how wonderful the world looks to them. One day I will tell Claire what she thought of stretch marks as a child and how she thought they were awesome because they meant a baby grew in your tummy (I doubt she will view them the same through adult eyes).

We should all pause and view LIFE through the eyes of a child every once and a while.

Life is pretty and hopeful and happy.